So, I’m trans and pre-surgery, though I’ve been on hormones a good while and for all intents and purposes I look and sound male until you take my clothes off. I’ve only ever been with cis women before and have absolutely no idea how to even approach men (primarily cis men; other trans guys are easier), let alone sleep with one. I’m fairly shy and I’ve never slept with anyone that wasn’t a friend first, so the concept of trying to navigate social anxiety around a one night stand who might also reject me when I inevitably have to tell him I’m trans is…a lot.

To be honest I’m worried that no cis man is ever going to consider me a “real” man anyway, and I wouldn’t know what to do with a man if I did get him into bed.

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16 COMMENTS

  1. I’m not trans so I can’t say for sure.

    However I would say that honesty is the best policy, being up-front about the fact that you are trans and pre-op. This should really be common sense, but obviously that’s better than trying to connect with a guy who is going to assume you’re biologically male and then giving him a shock.

    As far as worrying if you’re going to be rejected for being trans, I’ll say this – in the gay male community, it is literally impossible for **anyone** be universally considered attractive and sexy. There are so many “tribes” in the gay community and different men who have very different personal preferences. With that, you are ***going*** to encounter men who won’t be interested in you no matter who you are or how attractive you are.

    You might be too hairy, too twinky, too feminine, too masculine, not muscular enough, too muscular, too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, the “wrong” race, the wrong age. Some men are as nitpicky as turning you down if you have long hair and they don’t like long hair. I’ve been told “sorry mate, not my type” more than once and I put a lot of effort into my appearance, I’m not a model but I’m certainly not ugly. It’s just life.

    This is especially true if you are specifically trying to hook up on apps like Grindr. These are essentially meat-market apps, where guys are pretty much only concerned about finding men they’re physically attracted to.

    However, there are gay men who are attracted to transmen, we do exist. I’m one of them, it’s not something I actively seek per se but I’m open to the idea. You are a niche of your own and if you put yourself out there, trust me, the men who are attracted to transmen will come sniffing around. Plus I don’t mean to be crude but I find it very easy to see transmen as “real men”, most of you pass so well it’s very difficult to see you as women. Some of you have better beards and more chest hair than I do and I’m low key pissed about it :p

  2. Keep doing you.

    The dating/hookup pool might be smaller, but it’s there. You just have to be a little more persistent (across the group, not toward an individual r/noStalkerPlease).

  3. I would aim your dating sites at bi/pansexual men. I’m Pan, but I know guys like my bf, I’m a top, are strictly into cis guys for that reason.

    There’s nothing to be afraid of, in regards, to the ‘I’ll get rejected cuz I’m trans’ part, that’s just life. Everyone faces rejection and you should especially not take it personally if it’s something out of your control, like your gender expression.

    Just be honest and confident. You got this boy 🤙🏽

  4. Go on a dating app, put down that youre trans, have fun and be careful. Theres a surprising amount of people who’re really into trans people.

  5. I’m a cis man and I am attracted to men. Whether they’re cis or trans. Don’t ever think you aren’t a “real man.”

    There are definitely men out there for you. Be open and confident and kind. Expect that back in return.

  6. Hey I’m trans too 🙂

    It’s not an easy road, but totally possible and things will be okay 💜

    A lot of gay guys are a lot more educated about trans stuff now. Anecdotally I’ve heard of a lot of gay guys who are open to dating trans guys.

    I’m gay, and to me it just doesn’t matter what kinda junk someone has, I’m attracted to masculinity. And this is coming from someone who tried to be attracted to women for years!

    Also if you’re open to dating trans guys, a lot of us seem to be mlm (maybe like 50% or so? Based on polls and stuff I’ve seen around).

    Also check out r/gaytransguys if you don’t know it

    All the best to you

  7. I’ll sleep with a guy I like regardless of his cis/trans status, so you will find guys. But I know that some other guys would not feel the same way, so I feel bad that you have to deal with that.

    If you don’t know what you’d do with a guy, it’s also likely that a cis gay guy also wouldn’t know what to do, so it’s probably not good to have a random hookup where neither person knows what to do and there isn’t an established communication between the two people. So maybe wait until you find a guy you can be friends with first and who won’t mind some trial and error.

  8. I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big ol’ cuddle. I can imagine how anxious you feel it’s hard enough being a cis man looking for cis men. Just know that there are plenty out there who will either not care that you are trans or even prefer it. Try things like Grindr it will give you a chance to chat first and while it can be pretty damn toxic on there depending where you live it can also be a decent way of meeting people.

  9. I’m sorry I have absolutely no idea what to tell you. Hopefully there are some trans guys here who would be able to impart some wisdom.

    I think if you’re able to get top surgery one day, it’d probably be easier to attract gay guys?

  10. > I’ve never slept with anyone that wasn’t a friend first.

    I think getting to know the person first and having an emotional connection is a good way to go.

  11. The first thing you must understand is that 9 out of every 10 people you meet are too dumb to live. Their opinion of you or anyone or anything means nothing, because they don’t think critically and they add little more to this world than the monkeys at the zoo who spend their days flinging poo at each other.

    I’m a cis man who considers you a real man, no qualifications or equivocations. There are plenty more like me, out there.

    People unnecessarily complicate dating. It’s really not that big a deal. Spend your time around people you find sexy and don’t try to force anything. Be relaxed. Be chill. Be yourself. You’ll know when a guy is into you and things will happen, naturally.

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