I will only use the word homosexual..because that’s what I am. Well.. a part of who I am. But I will never say im gay because I don’t identify as happy. I am not happy with life.
so im 27 and im really fed up with life.. growing up and being told being gay is wrong and ill go to hell blah blah. when i came out my mom said i was probably going to go in front of a church ”with my weird friends and wave our dicks as a sign of rebellion. gay guys are animals! beasts!” and my dad wasnt happy either ,he said:” do you like anal sex?? do you like sticking your dick where a guy shits?!” my other family members didnt say anything they just cried. i got no emotional support. no one believed in me, they still dont. They also are in denial and after I came out they sent me to a psychiatrist and got put on antidepressants. My parents think ill never amount to anything. i have no friends, and its difficult to make gay friends. im not going to kill myself because i believe in God and i believe we’re all meant to be here for a reason…but at the same time i question God…and im not happy. i just dont find anything appealing in this reality. im really apathetic towards everything. i wish i could die to be honest. im lonely, i have no friends in real life, I don’t like the place where I live, i feel like a waste of space. i have alot of problems in my life. i dont get along with my parents, nor siblings. they think im a lazy rebel. i just want to kill myself to show them what religion says(the 3 top violent ones). im gay..i should be dead. ok.. better to be dead than suffer this cruel world alone. i also think alot of the reasons why gay men are viewed a bad way is because of the way the lgbt community presents itself to the world: oversexualization. And like all communities by default do, they segregate themselves. Its in our human nature to be paradoxical and claim to have an all inclusive community, but defend our community from different ideologies, which there is nothing wrong with that by the way. But unfortunately, I think as the lgbt community claims to be about love, we have to confirm that we are all the same. Whether you are Bi, Gay, Straight, Transexual, etc, we are all the same. Our flag should be a white circle with a calm yellow pastel as the background, because it signifies that all primary colors are present to create one. That one is love. The yellow represents in a less synthetic way the representation of all the colors in the spectrum that amount to white, due to the addition of red and green combined in reference to the light spectrum chart.
I mean I try to put myself in the shoes of someone straight. I would assume the lgbt community uses the rainbow flag, as a way to say that lgbt is better than being straight. I mean have you looked at the straight flag or even asexual flags? The primary colors there are black and grey. I would take it as if the lgbt community is telling me being straight is boring. I think its one of the many reasons why homophobia still exists. Im not saying the rainbow flag is designed intentionally that way to piss of nonmembers of the community, but it can come across that way to a lot of people I feel. And talking about nonmembers, even though my sexual orientation is homosexual, I don’t consider myself to be part of the lgbt community. I feel in most cases now a days its doing more harm than good, even if there are good intentions. We live in a world were everyone has a different perspective, and a lot of misinterpretations come into play, and therefore chaos, cruelty, and violence. The most important thing to maintain some peace in this world is communication. Communication is key, and I think symbology helps a lot. So why represent homosexuals with a colored flag? Because I see that as a flag that represents happiness. Inclusion as well, but why not go to the extreme and synthesize all those colors. Because behind that rainbow is loneliness, pain, and suffering. As a gay man myself, im sure fellow gay brothers have experienced at least once all of those undesirable experiences. and not only gay men, but trans and bi as well obviously. So why come across as something that we are not? Why show something that isn’t really part of our lives? I don’t consider myself to be a happy person. I get suicidal at times. Im tired of getting a weird look when people assume im gay, and especially if they find out im gay. Or may I say homosexual. I despise the word gay, which we all know, originally meant happy. It still does, but now a sexual orientation took over that word. Why so many colors? Why gay? Im not saying every bi, homo, and transsexual is brutally oppressed and not happy, but the majority of us are on different levels. And why oversexualize in gay pride events? One thing is your sexual orientation, and another thing is your sexuality. Being homosexual means to be attracted to your same sex and or gender. That’s it. I think a lot of people perhaps confused that with their sexuality? Sexuality is your sex life, your libido. There is a difference. I feel event like gay pride parades show something false of what it means to be of a different sexual orientation from the majority of the worlds population, by oversexualizing things. Yes, sexuality is a part of everyones life. Its engrained in all humans. But I feel the lgbt community is showing that being gay means being super sexual, and that is not the case at all. And the worst part I feel is that people tend to start identifying with their sexual orientation and even sexuality. It is bizarre. Unless youre a hooker and or a porn star for life, your sexual orientation and sexuality isn’t your identity. It can be, I think it is a small part of everyones identity, whatever your sexual orientation is, but it generally doesn’t reach the level to have the entitlement to be part of your identity. I guess its all subjective, but if you decide to invite your sexual orientation and sexuality as a part of your identity, dont forget the most important thing in a humans identity: Love. And important things like your values, interests,etc . for example, your philosophies may form a larger part of your identity, it all depends on each individual. This is why its so difficult to tell someone your sexual orientation, because there is such a negative connotation to being homosexual. And it shouldn’t be that way. I particularly find it extremely sad and frustrating, and not logical at all. If youre a minority of some sort, why do you want to present yourself to the world in a negative way. Everything is all subjective, Im not saying sex is bad or depraved, but for some people the oversexualization is. Things that happen in gay pride, which should be a place where people of all ages can attend, are just making matters worse and its not family friendly. There should be no clarifications stating that a parade is family friendly. Families should be able to go without seeing inappropriate things! I’ve been told I have internalized homophobia by some guys and I feel very misunderstood and I get depressed due to this. I think the ones who have internalized homophobia are the ones dancing nude in these parades just to stroke their ego. Those guys who think they are entitled to have the cake and eat it too in this society makes me angry. Its bizarre how the guys who appear to be happy and proud to be gay, are actually some of the suicidal ones. Its very sad.
another reason why I think its so taboo and difficult to come out of the closet is because people assume being homosexual is a lifestyle. Which is ridiculous because that would be like saying having blond hair is a lifestyle. I guess people assume being a man attracted to men(and women attraced to women), its easier to have sexual relationships with, which to be honest it is true to a somewhat larger degree than in heterosexuals situations, but it doesn’t mean that’s always the case. There are a lot of homosexual people who don’t want to hook up. Why do people assume hook up culture is more predominant for homosexuals? There is a small truth to that, but its not really the case. Ive been rejected numerous times and if I tried to hook up it was due to peer pressure from a few members of the lgbt community. And im not only ‘’attacking’’ the lgbt community, because music and movies from straight people also contributed to that peer pressure. I also take responsibility, but who am I to blame? I was going through puberty. I was an insecure and lost teenager who needed validation and love. Who was curious of what it meant to have sex. Due to a few things I went through, ten years later, and im left with incurable stds, being heartbroken and disappointed, lost, unloved, and most of all, lonely.

5 COMMENTS

  1. Didn’t read the whole block of text but no, I am in no way happy being gay, not in the slightest. I’d love to figure out how to enjoy it to the same extent everyone else does, but the chances of that happening are looking slimmer and slimmer. This all sucks so fucking much.

  2. Yes and no…I’m happy with who I am as a person. I’d never change who I am. Being gay has given me strength. But being gay is hard. It’s hard living outside the “social norms”. I have a straight female friend who gives me advice on how to get a man, which in the straight world I’m sure works great but in the gay world could potentially put you in danger.

    And with the ever pressing tech form of dating in our culture it makes it that much more difficult. I hate modern dating. I hate looking through app after app of pics of guys I’ll never get. I hate sending messages to get little in return, I hate the idleness of it. It shows no personality, gives no context, no chemistry. And I hate being labeled a certain type based on my physical appearance with a sub group I don’t relate to, no I don’t take pride in the fact that I’m a bigger hairy guy and I think it’s weird that we celebrate ruining someone’s physical health and pushing someone into a sub group just because of their looks alone.

    I love our community, despite the shortcomings I have amazing friends and I wonderful support group, I’ve met the most brilliant queer people, it’s my family, it’s a diverse and amazing, it truly is a wonderful community to belong to and lord do we know how to throw a damn good party. But the dating and sexual frustrations sucks.

  3. I would say content. Living in a rural area where there’s a dating puddle instead of a pool is disheartening. Then there’s the pressure being taken off of you for having children and getting married that’s nice. Being judged by so called “religious” people sucks, then again you start finding out who really cares for you as a person. Since you don’t have children, you can spend that money on treating yourself by traveling and getting to do things others wouldn’t have time for if you had a family. Since you live alone, you grow to find who you truly are and what makes you happy.

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