Hi, I am writing this because I am wondering a certain thing about gay guys when it comes to *just being friends.*

This one is little more complex I think than just a surface question. So in a nutshell I have dated men and women, and wound up marrying a women. We’ve been together for 6 years, and during this time I have noticed something about a difference in attitude towards me coming from gay guys, and to a lesser extent lesbians.

Basically, it seems like gay guys don’t want to be friends with me anymore now that I’m married; and I feel it’s because I’m married to a woman. I especially noticed this when my relationship with her was still early, like in our first year, that my gay friends started to basically evaporate. That hurt, alot.

I honestly don’t know if I may be projecting the hurt onto new (gay) people in our life what my old-ex-friends did to me; or if it’s true that these new ppl we socialize with don’t want anything more than a surface ‘friendliness’ with me. I didn’t do or say anything to my lgbt friends either to insult any of them, but what did happen was when they found out I was in a m/f relationship they basically responded like “oohhh..k…”.

I really miss having lgbt friends. It feels like I can’t be myself anymore because it’s like 99% of my friends are straight or straight acting and won’t talk about anything *non-straight*. I am actually more on the effeminate side of things, and because straight ppl can’t seem to fathom or grasp an effeminate male married to a female and *absolutely will* make snide remarks about it, I generally have to tone it down 95% of my day. Being friends with lgbt anyone, we can all just be ourselves for the most part, talk about lgbt specifc things that happen or impact our lives, joke around from a lgbt perspective and so on…

Anyways, I hope I don’t sound whiney or annoying here. I just really feel kind of bad and alone in this regard.

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  1. I’m sorry that your friends left you like that. That wasn’t cool of them. We’re still a pretty new community and we’re figuring out the cogs that make this ever growing and complex machine work.

    Empathy is the best bet for getting over preconceived ideas. I think it’s a good idea that with new gay friends you meet you show that you can empathize with them on what it means to live differently and have people not get your orientation. It sounds like you’re openly and proudly bi which I want to congratulate you on. I will continue to fight my own preconception of bi guys as well and make this community more united.

  2. Hi, Speaking from a gay guy I’ll be the first to admit that I have certain biases towards bi guys who are in m/f relationships. I hate to admit it but it’s true. From my standpoint is when you’re in a m/f relationship you still have heterosexual privilege from the outside world even if you are bi. I’m not trying to erase your bisexuality because it is valid and you’re still part of the LGBT+ community, but there’s no hiding my gayness from the world.

    I think more bi and gay guys need to talk about these things rather than sweeping the issue under a rug. I think all feelings are valid and through communications we can work out any misunderstanding we have with each other. Because right now bi and gay guys can be very divided.

  3. My quick read of the situation is that as an effeminate man in a heterosexual relationship, many gays would see you as a closeted gay guy, instead of a bisexual man that you are. I steer clear of closeted folks – I’m old enough not to have tolerance to deal with that drama and manipulation – and I’m guessing some gays feel the same way, and though are mislabeling you as closeted, are treating you similarly.

    I also agree with the sentiments of joshgrad444 relating to heterosexual privilege and how there is a wedge between gay and bi men. We have a ways to go, clearly.

  4. I don’t feel that it could have been anything to do with the fact that you dated a woman ok maybe there light have been an element of that for some peopem you may have known. Anyone in a relationship tends to couple up and you isolate yourselves it’s just a love thing.

    A good mate of kine is going through that right now with the mentionitis and lathe couple photos etc. I hear from and see him less.

    So maybe that’s part of it.

  5. I think u/joshgrad444 (happy cake day Josh!) nailed it with those who might feel you’re inauthentic due to heterosexual privilege.

    I think some might feel they have nothing in common with you. That’s something you can change though. Is your wife open to having friendships with the LGBT crowd as well? Look on a site/app like Meetup and see what groups might be nearby to you.

    If you can form a friendship organically and people can see you’re not ashamed of who you are, they’re more likely to feel safe forming friendships. A gay couple would be ideal. They could also be invited into your friend group which might shut some of them up.

    I will say that you need to step up and lay down the law when these snide remarks by your straight friends are made. That’s what some will have a problem with, they see that as heterosexual privilege. You can basically retreat and tone it down 95%. STOP toning it down. Be yourself unapologetically. If you’re toning it down in your day to day life, you’re not being authentic and many people who have struggled with their own identities have absolutely no tolerance for that, rightly or wrongly. (And I don’t mean you need to go to church with a feather boa on, just in day to day situations, be yourself and if people make snide comments, tell them right then and there that it’s unacceptable.)

    If those people keep doing that, they aren’t your friends on any real level. They’re only friends with what they want you to be and you’re giving it to them.

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