A middle-aged man says he and his wife of 25 years have stopped having sex and it’s causing him to seriously question his sexual needs and desires. So he’s writing to advice columnist Mary O’Conor for help.
In his letter, the man says his wife is a “wonderful woman” and that he loves her “completely.”
“The trouble for me is that while our sex life has never been what you would call regular,” he confesses. “In the last two years it has essentially been extinct.”
As a result, he says, he feels they’re drifting apart.
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He continues: “Lately I’ve taken to fantasizing about sex with anyone (male/ female/group) and have registered on a few sites that facilitate gay/bi/group profiles.”
“I’ve found that I have a growing fascination with older males. I feel myself drawn more to wanting to engage in sexual activity of this nature.”
He recently started Skyping with other guys, he writes, “just chatting initially and watching them masturbate and also I’ve masturbated on camera with one or two that I have come to fancy.”
But lately, he’s wanted to take things to the next level and possibly meet one of them in person for a gay rendezvous.
He wonders: “Do I explore this side of my sexuality which I would have never considered until the last couple of years, or do I keep going as I am, feeling so isolated and missing the intimacy we had (albeit not very often)?”
In her response, Mary first congratulates the man on acknowledging and speaking openly about his feelings. Not a lot of guys are comfortable doing so, she says.
“The sexual urge is a very strong one,” she writes. “My experience of clients with stories somewhat similar to yours is that they almost always followed their urges despite the consequences.”
She continues, “However, you are well aware of what you stand to lose and so you should talk to your wife and tell her that you feel you are drifting apart and ask if there is anything you can do to get closer again.”
“If there is more emotional intimacy, then sexual intimacy should follow but first you need to know her thoughts on where the relationship has faltered.”
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Mary also suggests the man should seek professional help to figure out what’s going on–is his bisexual? Bi-curious? Gay?
“One could explain all of this by saying that as your sex life had totally diminished you went searching for some excitement,” she says. “But what led you to male/male sex when your only experience up until now was heterosexual? This is something that would be worth exploring with a therapist.”
What do you think of Mary’s advice? Sound off in the comments section…