Hey guys.
So i am a 20 year old gay college student. Ive never been in a relantionship and as much as i want to stay confident and positive…i cant deny that it makes me feel sad and lonely.

All my friends are in relationships and i am really happy for them. We go out together all the time and they dont make me feel abandoned which i really appreciate. But when i am all alone in my room it feels like a mask comes off and i am back on my bs. Its annoying but i cant help comparing myself to them and wishing I had a boyfriend too.

I have tried dating apps and gone out on dates and stuff. But nothing really came out from them since most guys either wanted to hook up or had a bunch of red flags. Not really a surprise since we are all in college but I am not going to settle for someone that its not worth it since thats just asking for trouble. But I cant help being afraid ill be alone for the rest of my life.

I also dont have high standards which I know will probably come up. Like i dont want masc sixpack having model looking guy or anything like that.

TL:DR How to deal with loneliness as a gay college student who is surrounded by couples…

I guess my question is if anyone has any tips to get a boyfriend? Or maybe ideas to deal with loneliness while I am single?

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22 COMMENTS

  1. I’m in the same shoes. It does get depressing but I think hope is the only way. I do get sad every now and then but then I just remember that it’s better to be lonely than to be with someone out of desperation (and with someone whom I don’t like as much).

  2. It’s a mindset thing, and easier said than done. You have to push out the negative feelings and try to stay positive. It sounds like you have a great support group. Look at the positives and what you do have instead of dwelling on what you don’t.

    Try alternative ways of meeting guys. Book stores, coffee shops, etc – in the gayborhood if there is one near you. You may have better luck than the typical hookup apps. Maybe one of your friends can hook you up with someone. Go on a blind date. See where it goes.

  3. It’s not being single that makes you sad, but what you’re telling yourself it means about you. You’re young and still figuring things out. It takes longer to come into your own when you’re gay. So be compassionate towards yourself.

    Also, you’ll be in a better mind space AND you’ll be more desirable if you realize that the only person that can make you happy is YOU. Why do you want a partner? Really figure that out for yourself, and realize that being with someone won’t fundamentally change how you feel, and it’s not fair to put that responsibility on whoever you end up with anyways!

    I used to think I needed to be with people to be happy. I had a big mind shift when I really paid attention to how I felt, and realized I could have fun by myself as well. It’s powerful to know you can enjoy your own company, because you’re the only constant in your own life.

  4. Chin up mate.

    1) Make a list of your hobbies/ interests/ and things you do for fun.

    2) Look for groups where people are doing that.
    Example: Harry Potter Trivia, Volleyball, Kayaking, Board Games, Church,or whatever you want.

    3) Don’t rush to date anyone. Just make friends. No immediate pressure to marry the first cute guy.

    4) Try other groups.

    5) Find target. Acquire.

    You’re going to have an easier time connecting with people if you share hobbies and interests. Just socialize and I bet you find someone.

    Bars are the hookup apps of the past. Have a few drinks and everyone’s horny. Yes, relationships can be formed this way but it’s not the best path for most people.

    Example: I gave this advice to my friend who joined a kickball league and met someone. Got married. Boom.

  5. I have always had the same problem. I felt like I couldnt truly be myself if I were single because Im simply someone who craves companionship. Honestly Im not entirely sure how I got over it, I just know that I had a hero who inspired me. Someone who was always lonely, but also always strong. Someone who learned to live for herself and not wait for someone else to come along and save you from your stagnation. You just gotta keep moving and fight that thing in your head that tells you that you need someone else to be happy. I am a senior in high school now and I never had a boyfriend. I asked my cousin if it was ok for me to graduate without ever having been in a relationship and she said its totally normal and that she was planning on doing the same before she just ended up falling in love. She gave me strength and so I decided to go ahead and graduate without having someone. But then I went to a pride parade 5 days ago and low and behold I just ended up finding someone. Trust me you never know when you’ll find love or if it’ll even be what you want, you just gotta love yourself.. Even if you feel fat and ugly and unatttactive and lonely you can choose to be strong for yourself.

  6. I feel you, I’m 23 almost graduated yet still every time I get something close to a relationship things don’t work out. It’s just a matter to be ready for one, at some points the problem is the other guy, other times it’s your own fault (like not being truly over someone, trying to force a chemistry, stuff like that), and the rest of the times it’s just stuff we can’t truly control.
    The best thing is to try and just keep on living your life, find meaning in simple things, and you’ll eventually meet someone who will add positive things to your life. At least that’s what I think to calm myself down

  7. I’m 20 and I feel the same way. I’ve been hooking up with guys to fill the void and nothing helps. I just wanna be held and commit to someone but no ones down. I even hooked up with someone who was 58 and not cute just for validation and when I got home there wasn’t water hot enough to make me feel less dirty than I felt and still feel.

    But just try and put yourself out there bud

  8. Ugh this post just reminds me of how I wish I could just make my parents forget me and not be devastated for killing myself. Like you think by 20 I’d have a boyfriend and not just guys who leave when they cum

  9. 20 is young. I had my first relationship at 20 and frankly I felt like shit a lot of college from age 18-20 because I saw my straight friends seemingly easily start and end relationships while I barely met anyone I clicked with who wasn’t already dating another guy. I was still uncomfortable being out and I’m sure that factored in as well: I was not very comfortable in LGBT spaces so was in some ways self-limiting by not doing things like going to the bar on 18+ night and not going to my college gay group.

    How are you trying to meet people? If you want a relationship you’re more likely to have success meeting someone you click with in class, your dorm, or in a gay-oriented club than on an app.

  10. As someone who dealt with this himself, just stop trying so hard. I gave up entirely on looking for a boyfriend and then kinda just stumbled in to it. Now he and I have been together for 8 years. Sometimes it just takes letting go and letting the universe do the work for you. That’s just been my personal experience, at least.

  11. It’s easier to find a relationship when you’re happy being single! If you’re desperately trying to find someone to date it will only be harder to find someone bc you’re gonna end up getting a lot of low quality dates rather than a couple high quality ones

  12. So we all don’t have high standards but still fend off potential partners.

    Is it only me that does see the hypocrisy?

  13. As someone who spent a good three years in my early twenties single, there’s two things I want to say:

    1) You are enough. A big part of my loneliness while dating was that “nobody wanted to date me.” It felt like my worth was only as much as how much people wanted to be in a relationship with me. Remember that this DOES NOT determine how amazing, smart, hot, nice you are. You are absolutely enough and don’t let someone else dating you be the only reason you feel that way.

    2) if you cannot be happy single and alone, you cannot be happy in a relationship. It goes back to Point 1, but being single and learning to LOVE it (and yourself) is one of the most important things you can learn. At the end of the day, you will always go to sleep with yourself in the room. You have to love yourself to be able to fully love others. Once I learnt this, I couldn’t stop being in relationships.

    People are attracted to people who know and believe the above two things. Its a daily challenge and it will take time. But when it does, it’ll feel like something has clicked and you’ll never be the same.

    Best of luck xxxx

  14. Hi,
    He is just right around the corner don’t trust it. 21 is to young to be in a relationship you still cast College descendants going out with your friends and just before you know it you’ll be right there.
    He is just around the corner. I know it’s not what you want to she’s here but he’s around the corner Wayne say be patient.

  15. Both of my relationships came to me when I finally decided to focus on myself. I don’t know why it works that way but it does. As soon as you couldn’t care less about dating, someone finds their way to you. From what other people I know have said it’s the same for them too.

    I’m only 22 at that! Plus it matters where you live. I live in a big city and so finding other gay men is easy. So don’t be hard on yourself it’ll come when it does and when you meet someone you really like and can fall in love with you won’t even care how long it took.

  16. I’ll tell you one thing, if you can’t be single and happy by yourself, it’s not going to be good if you get into a relationship.

    When you’re in a relantionship and you start feeling alone for whatever reason, it will affect your relantioship too by perhaps coming off as needy, needing constant attention, getting jelous, etc. Another possible issue could be you both feel the same way and you end up having a co-dependent relationship, that’s not good either. So address the loneliness issue first by becoming fulfilled being alone, and the rest will fall into place naturally.

    If it makes you feel better I was alone and never got into a relationship until I was 31.

  17. A few things:
    It’s sort of starting to change now, but I think it still generally applies that the majority of LGBTQ people aren’t able to date openly in high school or really be openly gay. So that means usually when gay guys get to college, they’re able to really start dating and exploring love and sexuality in a real way for the first time. So they’re not gonna have the dating skills of a straight guy who had 6 girlfriends throughout high school. It’s gonna be a lot harder to find someone that wants to commit to a relationship at that age when they’ve barely started exploring sex and sexuality. Give it some time, it will happen for you.

    In the meantime, try not to look at a relationship the way an employer would look at an open position that needs to be filled. A lot of times we get caught up so much in the desire to “find” a boyfriend that we don’t realize a relationship isn’t just meeting a guy who will check a box and fill a role. Try to think of it more as something that just happens to you by chance, like finding $20 in an old coat. That money is in the old coat, but you won’t find it until you randomly decide to wear it again; that right guy is out there for you, but you won’t meet him until your paths cross by chance. So take the opportunity to try on some coats, and when you try on the right one you’ll find that $20 you didn’t know you were even missing in the first place.
    Like some other people here have said, you need to be comfortable with yourself and your life as a single person, because if you try to use a guy to fill some kind of void you’re feeling in your life it will only act as a band aid for a little bit but won’t fix those underlying problems you haven’t dealt with.
    Just enjoy college, make friends and have great experiences. The right guy will find you when you least expect it.

  18. I’ve been single for 6 years and I’m 36, so I get it. All my friends are married and yes, we aren’t as close anymore due to “married life”. I’ve learned to just be ok with myself, by myself. It gets lonely sometimes, but honestly you have learn to be by yourself before you can invite someone else in. I’ve set goals for myself (buying a house this year, planning trips I want to go on) I am not going to wait for someone to come into my life before I start living my life. I was always afraid of going on a great trip without someone, or making a major purchase without worrying if someone would come along and we do it together. Now that I’m closer to 40 than 30, I have to live my life for me. I feel like if a potential partner sees you as a stable responsible person, the greater chance of looking attractive as a potential partner for them

  19. Learn to love yourself first before you love someone else.

    This goes a long way meaning different things. Learn to like yourself, train your body to be more attractive in your own eyes if you want. Developers a good work ethic, get a job and s gt an don your own feet, make good decisions. Have healthy platonic relationships. Dpnt focus on boys quite yet.

    After all that, then you can pursue a relationship. Still no luck?

    Here’s the truth about that then. Being gay sucks. High standards, homophobic society, small population of us but large landmass (I’m assuming you live in USA) and a while other bunch of other bad cards we’re dealt with, and for gay guys, finding our significant other after considering al the above mentioned self love traits, comes down to plain luck, not just in finding a relationship, but keeping it. Some guys get one and many MANY others dont, no matter how hard they try. Look at james charles. Successful man, bad BAD luck regarding boys.

    So really, just accept what life is gonna give you, I know its depressing to be alone. I can definitely relate, but we all cant have it all. But deep inside, I genuinely hope your one of the lucky ones who can manage to find a relationship. You seem more relationship material than I do and overall, seem like a good person

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