I just installed Growlr last weekend. I’m 35. I’m not a virgin, but have only had sex (topped) with one guy. I’m inexperienced.

I got a lot of messages. I feel like I could arrange sex every night if I wanted to. But, for some reason, I’m just super nervous about pulling the trigger. I think it’s more about safety than my inexperience? It was honestly way more overwhelming than I expected. I feel so naive, which I hate.

Do people who use Growlr typically meet in public first? It kinda of seems like not. What’s the norm? I think I’m ok just hooking up without meeting first, but is that a bad idea? I’d really appreciate advice, thoughts, your experiences.

Also, guys are messaging me that I consider way hotter than me. It makes me sort of not trust them.

Also, because of my anti-depressant, I have never orgasmed with another person. I stay hard and usually stop topping when I get tired. What should I say and when should I say something about this? How many minutes of topping is considered respectable?

Really want to get out there and have a sex life for a change now that I’ve gotten through years of shame. But, kind of want the real rules of the land here.


  1. Well, from what I understand, Growlr is primarily a cruising/pick-up app. You generally are going to get a lot of interest on most any of those types of apps, particularly if you’re at least a solid 5-6 on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness (which is highly relative to the gay subculture you’re attempting to interact with). Also if you are packing a decent set of equipment and advertise it in any way, that also will attract interest.

    With hookups, hot is relative and you may judge them more attractive than you, while they may be holding your looks and/or profile in higher regard than you give yourself credit for. Some might also value your mind and personality more highly than how you feel about yourself. For me personally, if someone seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, has a good personality, and is a thinker, that tends to add a few numbers to their attractiveness for me. Everyone has their different tastes.

    It sounds like you may be dealing with a bit of low self esteem and depression, which can warp your view of yourself. I deal with the same shit sometimes.

    Meeting places kinda depend on each party and their comfort level. Don’t do anything which seems unsafe or otherwise sets off warning bells in your head.

    I had an ex with the antidepressant problem. His experience was similar to yours. I’d consider at least a good 15-20 minutes of topping a respectable pound session, but that’s also relative to the individual.

    Best of luck getting yourself sorted out, and please play safe. Best of luck casting off the shame. I came from a conservative Christian household, so I know a thing or two about casting off shame. 😉

  2. >
    Do people who use Growlr typically meet in public first?

    It’s what you make of it and what you’re comfortable. Don’t let anyone pressure or bully you. If your not comfortable of banging right off the bat, then meet up with people first in public.

    Or perhaps, you’re more comfortable of being with people first before banging. That’s totally valid too. Don’t change your preferences and comfort level just because others have their own criteria.

    And in the same way, respect other people’s as well. Dont’ force them to be friends first if all they’re looking for is a one night stand.

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