Does he only want to bottom?
Are you in a relationship with a man who only wants to bottom? When the two of you first started dating, did he identify as versatile? Is the current situation such that he ALWAYS sleeps on the bottom bunk?
If you are answering yes to these questions, you wouldn’t be alone. This article is designed for gay men who at one time experienced versatility and no longer do.
To a lesser or greater degree, all of us have positional preferences. No doubt about it.
But if your man keeps insisting you play pitcher without making any effort to switch things up, it can lead to problems. This point is particularly true if you feel neglected, used or resentful.
Let’s be candid. It’s no fun having a partner who makes sexy time groundhogs day. If left unchecked, this can lead to:
- Sexual boredom
- Anger and frustration
- Irrational assumptions
- Body image issues
- “Stepping out” to get needs met.
So, what can you do? Is there anything that can be done to change the dynamic?
The answer to these questions and much more will soon be revealed. But first, I want you to purge your mind of any preconceived notions about why your guy isn’t topping.
Instead, focus your attention on what.
What can be different? What can be changed? What needs focusing?
My hope in penning this piece is to help heal the rift that may be occurring in your love life. While I can’t make any promises, I can say that if you love your man – and yourself, you’ll approach this challenge with an open heart.
Let’s jump right in.
1. What’s missing
Usually, when one man becomes sexually rigid, locked into one type of activity, it can be a sign of something missing. The question is what.
Before moving on to any of the steps mentioned below, it is critical to obtain the answer to that question. In many cases, the missing element is intimacy.
- When is the last time you and your man held one another?
- How long has it been since the two of you shared a passionate kiss?
- How much time has passed since you complimented your partner or vice versa?
In the context of romantic relationships, anal penetration is one of the most intimate things we can do with our partners. But if sexy time has become robotic in nature, consider it a warning sign that something needs to change.
When the relationship is healthy, there should be a natural, organic desire for versatility.
By checking what’s missing, you can then go about the business of talking to your mate armed with the facts.
2. What’s your man’s self-concept?
You may be wondering why it’s necessary to assess your man’s mood when things seem so one-sided. After all, this is about your unmet needs, right?
Sorry to break it to you but that’s completely wrong. It’s about both of you.
Part of this involves exploring what’s going on with your guy, deep inside. In many situations, a man who is normally versatile becomes predominantly bottom because he’s not feeling confident.
This reality may have nothing to do with you. On the flipside, it very much could. But you won’t know until you approach your man with an open heart and loving ear to see what’s up.
Here are some more “what” questions:
- What’s going on with your man’s mood? Has he been feeling depressed? If so, this may be impacting his ability to maintain an erection.
- What’s going on with your guy medically? Is he on new meds or tapering off old ones? Either way, it could be causing him problems in the “top” department.
- What’s your man’s level of self-esteem? Has it been in the toilette? If so, he may not feel confident topping you at this moment in time.
Under this area, I encourage you not to approach your mate from a place of blame. Instead, listen to what’s going on and be there for him with compassion.
More: What to do if your man wants a threesome
If he loves you, rest assured he’s aware of the issue. It may be that he was afraid to talk about it – fearing he might be judged.
3. What’s going on with you?
It’s easy to look at our partner and assume he’s being greedy and selfish. But to do so is to fall victim to assumptive thinking.
And that’s only going to make things worse.
Instead, allow the possibility that part of the problem lies with you. Yes, you.
Here are a few things to reflect on:
Please don’t think this area is designed to cast blame. It’s not. Instead, I’m simply helping you to open the door to different possibilities.
It may be when you talk to your guy that he reveals something you didn’t know. I encourage you to listen to his words and avoid the temptation to lash out.
As much as we all would like to think of ourselves as “pros” in the bedroom, the simple truth is most of us have room to grow. Don’t let hyper-masculinity mess things up.
4. What patterns exist?
At this point, it’s critical to assess the current pattern of behaviors happening in your relationship. In other words, are the two of you engaging in ritualistic activities.
If the answer is yes, what could be different?
For example, do the two of you always mess around in the same place (i.e. bedroom)? When it comes to penetration, is it always the same positions (missionary, backside, etc.)?
More: What to do if your man doesn’t initiate?
By breaking the pattern of the “same old”, you allow the opportunity for growth. This will require that both you and your man jump out of your comfort zone to create change.
Imagine what that would be like?
5. What’s the plan?
After you have completed the steps above, it’s now time to put words into action. In other words, what’s the plan?
Assume the two of you have talked and both agree to switch things up. What will be different?
Here are some points to consider:
- Moving sexy time from the bedroom to the living room
- Skipping the brown bottle (both of you) to encourage mindful love making
- Agreeing to try various positions with you on bottom and other times on top.
- Flipping a coin and allowing karma to dictate who will be heads or tails (no pun intended).
Summing Things Up
If you are in a relationship with a man where versatility seems to have flown the coop, don’t get too discouraged. Ebbs and flows happen.
But if things have become rigid and your guy only wants to bottom, consider it an opportunity for growth.
Learn all you can about what’s happening. Get to know the six stages of gay relational growth.
You love your man. He loves you. It’s on both of you to work it out.