I don’t know if it belongs here or not either way I’m gonna post it. I Throw a little party to my friends ( which in one I’m in love with) and now I’m literally crying.
He Kissed me, hugged me held my hands, everything I do is to make him happy. He Said he’s not gay but then why screw with my heart, it fucking hurts, he knows how fucking lonely I am and still doing this. Oh yeah did I mention my fucking homophobic family starting to find out that their only son is gay..
in my 22 years I feel like I’m done, I’ve never been this low in life.. only way I can “live a gay life” is trough YouTube, watching other couples. This is how fucking pathetic I became crying myself to sleep every night hoping I won’t wake up the next day. How does one live like this ? How can I stop it. Oh and the best part is, I have to pretend in front of everyone that everything is okay put on that fucking mask over and over. What’s the point in all of this? I’m trying to be happy and at the and I’ll get more depressed then I was before. I want to just fucking scream and walk away.


  1. Kudos for reaching out. While life can be tough sometimes, you obviously still want it, and long for better than what you’re currently experiencing. So yay, keep pushing for better.

    Your not-gay friend still cares about you as a person and wants you to feel valued and loved. As a gay man, I’ve cuddled female friends who just needed to feel safe, cry, or longed for someone to hold them. Having romantic feelings attached is difficult.

    Might I recommend checking on local opportunities? Maybe a college GLBT group? Maybe a social organization for younger adults?

    I’ve been in the lonely place before too. Learning to love the company of myself really helped me learn to see my value not only to me, but to others. So, when the man who is now my husband first took notice of me, he saw a happy well adjusted guy who was making his way in the world. That doesn’t mean that before I didn’t long for companionship, but I did try to not let it be my sole focus.

    It sounds like you are possibly living at home, or at least in a setting where you do not feel safe nor comfortable to be your true self. Is it possible for you to change location, job, social circle?

    I am convinced that one or two pluses could really turn things around for you. Please keep in touch. I’m hoping for goodness for ya buddy.

  2. But then why he had sex with me, literally sex. Or why did he kissed me ? I don’t understand it I told him I love him and he said “you’re cute”

    I still live with my parents, gays are not really accepted in my country so there is not really a help for lgbt people

    I want all of this to stop

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